What has been happening to me the last couple of months is frankly too painful to talk about. So I won’t. Yet. Besides, the last generation of my blog focused a lot on past events, and I want this blog to be different. I’ve probably spent way too much time focused on past events anyway.
What you do need to know, for any of this to make sense is that I am still married to B. And that we are in the process of trying to figure out what’s next for us. If anything.
So instead of talking about the past, I’ll write about where I am right now.
This past Friday I had a great conversation with a friend. “This the best I am ever going to be get,” she said. “I’m 71. I have mediated, prayed, walked, spent thousands of dollars on therapy and this is it. You are getting the best of me. And if that’s not good enough, too bad.”
These words resonated with such power for me. Because here is the thing, regardless of what age we are, regardless of where we are in life, regardless of the “work” we have done, we are the best we are right now. I am the best I can be right now. This is true for me. This is true for B. And this is true for you too.
But damn, it is hard to really absorb this idea. I have been “working” so fucking hard the last couple of months. My past actions and my current thoughts make we want to be a better person. And I know I have looked to B to be “better” too.
Buddhists like to remind us that we are in the perfect place right now. Where ever we are is exactly where we are “supposed” to be. This is also true of who we are. People are always setting goals, working hard, trying to improve, and yet the Buddhists would tell you that this striving to be better is not only unnecessary, but probably impossible as well. We are already perfect. There is no need for anything else beyond what we already are.
This is just hard to take to heart when the place you are feels so dark, and the person you are feels so ugly.
At the same time, my friend’s comment made so much sense to me. In the last few months I have basically been tearing myself apart, been at war with myself, and feeling like shit, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have been reading, researching on the internet, going to counseling. I have been down, getting mad at myself for being down, and then getting pissed off about beating myself up. I have been trying so hard to be a better person. Now I am wondering if it is worth it at all.
And yet, why not? Why not work to be better? Why not dream of how I could be, how my life could be and try to get there? Because dreaming and working to live those dreams seems so right to me.
So, this is my paradox. This is where I am struggling. I am strung between two ideas that call to me equally, Zen acceptance vs Western improvement. Maybe the two ideas are not mutually exclusive. Maybe the answer (an answer) is that my dreams and my search for improvement is part of my perfection.
I don’t know. For now I’ll be working to make my dreams come true, and trying to forgive myself when I fall short, fuck up, or allow my fear to hold me back. I’ll be dreaming of a better me and reminding myself that I’m already perfect.
This is me, living my paradoxes.